Change of mood

Today had a very nice day, picnic at Jardin Truillot's.  Very nice afternoon with friends.  Wonderful weather and very nice walk and promenade in Paris.

Tonight I feel sad, cried, memories of the teenager I was, and the difficult time I spent, feeling lonely, abandoned and desperate.

Sometimes dark thoughts and thinking it can't change and other times feeling very positive and optimistic.  Wondering what I'm gonna do with myself, with no job, nothing to do, feeling it difficult to enjoy the present moment, especially feeling at odds with the people my age, working and active whereas I find it hard to be active and above all feeling guilty of many things.

"Happiness is not a possession to be prized it is a quality of thought a state of mind", as Daphne du Maurier said in the novel Rebecca. I completely agree.

I feel especially sad for dad doesn't support me, he even rejected me in the last phone call.  Well, I can't do anything about it but just let go, no need to feel guilty, I feel the same with a very good friend of mine, whom I've phoned several times and hasn't replied neither by answering nor by sending me a text message as a reply.  

So I feel I'm reproducing old situations that happened during my teenage years, painful memories.  How come one makes oneself suffer so much, is that a purpose in life for me at the moment? I'm writing that smiling cos' it sounds funny and ridiculous even. Well better laugh about it than mourn for ages.

It's difficult to feel lonely, to stand loneliness, one's own fears and thoughts and alone with one's own doubts, fears and guilt thoughts.

I feel better and I see clearer, guilt makes me sad, desperate as do my ridiculous fears, for I'm not alone, I'm lucky to be who I am and to be here and now, to have emotions, to feel happy, disappointed, scared or sad.  I allow myself to have these emotions, something I had not done for ages, especially I allow myself to have negative emotions which disturb me and make me feel guilty whereas it's a completely normal process and a healthy one by the way.   Basically I am healthy and alive and that's a great thing :-)