The right lens :)
today, met 2 nice and friendly person. One man who decided to retreat from the working world he had been living in for 10 years and now just prefers to enjoy his freedom. I can understand him, yet this is a choice but I don't really think such a good choice as far as I'm concerned as it sounds like an avoidance. Cos' he still lives in it, but only doesn't work, well maybe he's not able to, I didn't ask him. He seems kind of very sensitive man, who got fed up with the system, so it seemed to me, he looks like he didn't manage to let go and just accept things and the world as it is, with its injustices and its suffereings and inequities and so on. That's just a reality for one thing.
Then in the Jardin des Plantes, Nadine who is 55 from Brittany, we had a rich exchange and got to know each other in less than an hour, confessed things to each other, exchanged she showed a lot of empathy and shared her experience, it felt so good to create a link so easily, she gave me her phone number.
I feel like I'm opening myself to the outside world again, knowing that's the answer to all my unease within myself, and my "dysfunctioning of mind" as all human beings sometimes and on a different scale or fields when it happens.
Ran this morning with M, then we ate some pastrami sandwich in Le Marais with a very nice dessert, we had a very nice time in the cold but also some sunshine we stayed in when it was there as if we were starving for some light to provide us with some wellbeing inside.
Today, went to a meditation at lunch time on the topic: "Vivre heureux dans un monde impermanent". Everything is impermanent, I've just written that and that moment is gone to be replaced by another one different, never to be the same and so is everything. So what is real is the present moment as I live it, and live it to the full, to enjoy it, to relish it, to taste it and savour it.
Phoned Agnès this morning who supported me, when I told her I didn't feel that great at the moment, she was there and above all, listened to me, talked to me, exchanged with me, I felt so loved and heard and in link with her, unconditional love that's what it was, I finally discover unconditional love without any demand in return, just link, love and be loved. Trust, love oneself and the other who give it back to you, so naturally and so warmly, kindheartedly and generously. It feels so good.
Broke down with mum when I went to see her and dad. I fell ill, I guess, the fact that I saw dad caused my being sick, I threw up in the middle of the night, with my belly aching so much, I felt I was nervously pregnant with a huge ball which needed to be vomited and it was vomited, I felt nackered on Wednesday, slept almost all day, broke down in tears, mum was there, I hadn't expected that to happen, but I just threw out all I had in my stomach, on my chest, I cried and cried, I am so aware of what I need.
I felt so relieved afterwards. I said it all. Fear of living, fear of being judged, fear of the other's glance, fear of trusting myself and the others for fear of being hurt like I'd been hurt (by dad, Frank my brother, then by my rapist, then by Long leaving me or the belief of being rejected but just a belief cos' I know he didn't reject me, and I'm glad that he left to find himself and look for a balance that he didn't have and was looking for like everybody, we all aim to be in harmony with ourselves and the whole universe, to be at one with it.) lthough I can see most of the people I know are kind and don't want to suffer or to make others suffer, they're so human and kind.
Fear of communicating, of speaking about what I feel, fear of being whole and human, fear of letting go but so much in need of no longer clinging/ fixating/ being attached on to beliefs, people, ideas but just let the river flow and let everything go by, and just look at it but no longer fixation on things, on people, on obsessions, on ideas... When writing it, I feel so good, so clear in my mind, it's like being alleviated from a burden.
Finally living, feeling, experiencing and reconstructing myself, listening to my needs and trusting myself, my emotions, what makes me feel good, at ease, balanced and in harmony.
Meditation guides me reach harmony, balance and a real well-being, spending time with myself, concentrating and just looking at how my body and my mind work is so fascinating, just being and living at the present moment, no judgments, no mental disturbances or letting them go by and feeling in every piece of my body and my mind, all in one. So fulfilling!
Beautiful world which entails so many things: sharing, love, bond, happiness, security, kindness, laughter, wonder, admiration... but also as any human relations can sometimes trigger some disturbing mental thought such as jealousy, envy or comparison but I guess it's when someone is not at ease or not completely self-confident. I sometimes feel that but mostly the first emotions which make me so happy. Listening and properly listening is a skill to be developed, I develop it more and more or so I try to, by focusing on the message of my friend(s), just being neutral and opening my ears not letting my proper thoughts, experiences, prejudices or judgements parasite the message. It's so enriching to do that. Well, experiencing and using the tools provided by wise men or experienced people such as Christophe André, Matthieu Ricard and also Alexandre Jollien in their book "Trois Amis en Quête de Sagesse" is very interesting and enlightening, the more so when doing meditation nearby to develop empathy, benevolence and compassion towards oneself and the others.
This week, I had a kind of revelation when doing a meditation on the nature of the spirit, I felt at one with the universe and everyone, linked to the whole world. That was quite impressive and so fulfilling. I don't know I felt that I had a divine nature and so we all did, but I found it and I felt it. I still feel that wonderful experience when writing about it.
Friendship, so fulfilling as well and enriching, just to be ... and to be with others and linked to them but not in clinging to them and being attached to them, just sharing, feeling their presence and being near them, as something balanced and peacefully being with them and enjoying it, and letting thoughts pass not fixing my mind on them but letting them go, and letting go.
Humility, being able to go on the other's mountain and see from his viewpoint not only from our viewpoint to understand him or her better. Trust the other and oneself and take the risk to be disappointed but just give, let go and be.
Longing for a haven of peace with the sea, the horizon and the beautiful blue sky above and some light shining from me. No, I'm not on drugs just visualizing and experiencing a peaceful state amid the city. Not obvious but completely possible and so soothing and enjoyable.
Was very nice yesterday and the day before, saw M and S who came over for the weekend. We visited the exhibition at the Musée Jacquemart André yesterday, the Hansen collection, with beautiful paintings from the Impressionists but also very nice Gauguin's paintings. I love his paintings, so colourful, full of life, sensuality and peaceful as well. He went to Tahiti and definitely found a haven of peace there and one can experience it in his paintings.
We had pastrami for lunch, it had been a long time since I had last had some. Still so delicious and yummie! With a cake and red fruit Apfelstrudel for dessert. Nice!
Well, all that is necessary to have peace and love. Great friends, great food and beautiful weather.
Feel much better today, ups and downs, especially with overloaded work, but quite rewarding and let go of things and put myself less pressure, above all.
A young student said "Ta gueule" today in class, I'd already told her and warned her to calm down but she's too at ease and is quite irregular in her mood, so she tends not to watch her language like this morning, I told her I would write a report, well I think I'll just tell her headteacher to speak with her and tell her to watch her language, she doesn't control herself and she forgets where she is and the social codes. Well such is life!
Received a nice message from M this morning very encouraging one as well as from M who's coming back from holidays at Josiane's. Hopes she got home safe. Will send her a message.
Tomorrow lunch time is my weekend, this time, a short one for I'm attending a 2 day conference for Lycéens au Cinéma, a nice program this year again, with Le Dictateur, M le Maudit et Starship Troopers and 2 other films, one from la Nouvelle Vague.
Let go, lâcher prise, so nice to hear this expression and especailly all that goes with it!
Difficult to work in a high school and my self-confidence is taking a huge blow in the face. Difficult especially in the final year classes who have the A-Level at the end of the year.
We need to prepare them for it and I don't even know the program very well, or what we have to do, so many things in just 2 hours a week per class. That's almost an impossible mission, well basically I do my best, I've got the feeling I don't make them think enough, I don't get them to reflect how I would like them to, I wish they'd exchange more, debate more, maybe I'm too directive, I don't know, it's quite impressive to learn as I go along, to learn as I do staff, I don't know if it's correct or not.
I think I have to go at a colleague's final year class to see better how she handles all the difficulties and the level.
I'd feel more confortable I think. At least, to make sure I'm not completely wrong and I make them think quite well, it's difficult to go from the oral to the written staff, especially to give them a rich vocabulary and also express their ideas, make them reflect on the topic I treat and have them suggest ideas I want them to have, basically lead them where I want them to go but at the same time, let them go where they want and still listen to them, at the same time, redirect them so that they arrive where I want them to be at the end. Well a long and tricky route or so it seems to me. And on top of all that, I don't "master" or handle the topics and the new vocabulary words very well for the moment, especially the ones that are relevant to the topic I treat or the documents. The teacher's book is very rich and give very good productions, well at least suggest productions but sometimes it's hard to do half of their production mixed with half of the students' production, very interesting orally but not necessarily rich in a written way. Either it's too light or too rich. I have to take spices from both suggestions, the book's and the students'. A real exercise and something I learn, I'm still at the early stage, and experiencing, letting them express themselves but stopping as well otherwise I can't give them a proper suggestion or it's just talk and they don't remember anything or have any written trace they can rely on to revise and to study.
Well I'm doing my best, difficult to "tatonner".
Hope for the best and settle for less as the saying goes and let go when I can't or just let go of what I want to control and be nice with myself, that's the most important thing. :-) Benevolence and self-compassion.
Paix, méditation et introspection, harmonie avec soi même puis avec les autres, paix intérieure et ouverture à soi-même et aux autres. Funny how it all came suddenly in French, I'd just read pages on a Buddhist centre in Paris I want to go to. They offer meditation practise on different topics. I like meditating on my own but I'd like to try to do it with others as well, as if it were a gymnastic practise of the mind so to say. And exchanges of minds as well to enrich myself and my knowledge of body and mind harmony.
Had a nice day today. Had lunch with M, also had a hypnosis session yesterday evening, very interesting and fulfilling.
Very encouraging she was or also very sensible and objective on my progress for the last 2 years, since L and I broke up. A personal progress and still progressing, doing my best and focusing on the positive things, and finally Living and feeling.
Getting better, and starting to breathe let go and do my best at work. Always a pleasure to listen to some hypnosis sessions on youtube, or meditations sessions as well. Very good ones being posted from some professionals among other things.
Saw A yesterday and had lunch with her, was nice, we had a nice talk on the world at large, politics and down-to-earth subjects as well as our jobs, we exchanged on our practises at work, the topics we're treating with the pupils, rather students for me now, and how we treat them, the material we use...
Very rewarding and thought enriching.