A rebel got ink

18 décembre 2018

What a day!

Today, I sat the internal examination for chancellery coworker, category C.  I really had a nice, I went there with no pressure, the pressure was yesterday evening when I felt the pressure rising, thinking about the exam and all the day, the interactions I'd had and so on.

I met 2 nice girls today, first Paule-Elise and then Hammel.  Paule-Elise came to talk to me just at the end of the examination this morning and I asked her if I could lunch with her, she joined a friend of hers that she'd met last year for the same internal examination and we went to lunch together.  2 very pleasant women I enjoyed chatting with and being with.  I was really at ease all day long, no responsibility at work just being there and trying.  I felt very proud of myself for having been there, sat the exam and done my best.

This afternoon, was the English translation.  A news article about Trump's policy and effort to repeal asylum laws.  Rather difficult to translate, I understood very well but I couldn't always find the right word(s) or expressions, or "tournures de phrase" in French which corresponded to the English sentence or meaning.  Well, a very good and interesting exercise I must say, well pity it will count because it's an exam not just an exercise.  Still, a life experience.

This evening when I came back home, I found the answer for my long term sick leave.  I have been given it and this for more than 5 months.  I'm very happy and felt very moved by this permission to have a break and to recover myself and move on, live and be, here and now.   I feel blessed for people really help me and I feel moved for I know I need it, and I deserve it, it's like a recognition but also an accompaniment on my life path.   I am allowed to change direction and to try something more in harmony with myself and rather more concrete with the world, in sharing the world, in love and harmony with myself and the others.

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Posté par anker à 22:33 - Commentaires [0] - Permalien [#]


07 décembre 2018

Serenity

All is quiet on the western front, or inside.  A feeling of inner peace regained, never lost but darkened by clouds that I had not let go, it feels so good to let things and thoughts go, to look at them and let them go, let them be and go as a cloud.

Things come and go as the saying goes.

Today, I felt good, in the morning I had a session with Mrs Palti, the psychotherapist, and I told her about the disturbing thoughts I've had for 2 days regarding the headmistress of the school where I work, and the need for recognition from her, this figure of authority, representing the mother figure, and a mixture of feelings, jealousy, dependency but above all, guilt and shame to feel those emotions, rather than let them be and go, I felt overwhelmed by guilt and shame but I didn't allow them to exist but I could observe them, that was a good thing and I'm happy about that, but I let myself be frightened by them and tried to hide them.

Well, I did my best as I always try to do.

 

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Posté par anker à 21:58 - Commentaires [0] - Permalien [#]

27 novembre 2018

Love, love, love

So moving and overwhelming to feel love, overwhelmed by all the love I see around me.  I see suffering but also so much love in people, it's amazing, this force, this transcendental energy which can lift you up like nothing else.

I start realising how blessed I am to have all the love around me, to receive so much love from the people around me, I feel it now and am so blessed to receive it, to accept it and also to give it.  It's a powerful gift and present, all the love around one.

PEACE and LOVE, I finally understand, feel and live the true meaning of it.

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Posté par anker à 21:40 - Commentaires [0] - Permalien [#]

24 novembre 2018

Beyond shapes and thoughts

lies the spirit and the light.

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20 novembre 2018

Forgiveness - understanding - compassion - freedom and love

Forgiveness Is an Inside Job

Holding on to hurt feelings limits your ability to be present. Move past resentment and anger by learning to forgive yourself first. By Carley Hauck. 

personal stories

at home

What gets in the way of forgiveness?

In order to begin the process of forgiveness, we need to embrace all our feelings with compassion and understanding. That’s why I say forgiveness is an inside job. How can we truly be forgiving to another if we are not able to forgive ourselves first? I often share with students and clients that we need to name and acknowledge our feelings to “tame” them. The practice of labeling your feelings helps create space between your emotions and your reactions so you can choose how you want to respond in the moment. A short practice you can incorporate when you notice you are having big feelings is this 10-minute meditationfor working with difficult emotions.

Thoughts Aren’t Facts: Witness Your Narrative

Forgiveness is the decision to free ourselves from the personal offense and blame that keep us mired in a cycle of suffering. My friend and colleague Dr. Fred Luskin, author of Forgive for Good says, “While anger and hurt are appropriate, they, unlike wine, do not improve with age.”

We are often readier to forgive than we think — we just might not have access to the tools. Below are two mindful practices for self-forgiveness.

Two Mindful Practices for Self-Forgiveness

  1. Write a forgiveness letter.
    For this practice, I invite you to write a forgiveness letter to yourself. Begin by writing on a piece of paper: Dear Self, I forgive you… Forgive yourself for all the times that you didn’t speak up, that you didn’t take good care of yourself, that you didn’t give yourself permission to name and claim what you want, that you didn’t hold healthy boundaries, that you didn’t say No, etc.
  2. Create a loving phrase.
    I find that if I am struggling to forgive myself or another, I bring in a loving phrase. You can try the one below, or create one that feels true to you. I am a loving person and deeply want the best for others. I forgive myself.

Forgiveness Has Layers

With these two practices we can discover that forgiveness has layers.

  1. The first layer of forgiveness is internal: letting emotions and thoughts surface, and witnessing them with kindness, in order to be able to let them pass and release the narrative we’ve held onto.
  2. The second layer of forgiveness is external: focusing on our experience of gratitude for the lessons we learn along the way.
  3. The third layer of forgiveness is internal and external: beginning to cultivate compassion toward ourselves and those we’re having difficult relationships with.

Forgiveness is a choice

The practice of forgiveness can feel totally counterintuitive sometimes. We think we find strength in our anger. But holding onto anger or resentment actually limits how we show up in the present because we are still feuding over the story.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or pardoning an offense. It means acknowledging the grievance and the feelings it creates, acknowledging that people are wounded, flawed, and messy—including myself, putting appropriate boundaries in place, letting go, and moving on.

We think we find strength in our anger. But holding onto anger or resentment actually limits how we show up in the present because we are still feuding over the story. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or pardoning an offense. It means acknowledging the grievance and the feelings it creates, acknowledging that people are wounded, flawed, and messy—including myself, putting appropriate boundaries in place, letting go, and moving on.

Forgiveness is a choice, it has a decisional quality to it. We can begin the practice of forgiveness by starting with ourselves and seeing how the motivation to forgive or not forgive can create increased or diminished resilience in one’s relationships.

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 "La gratitude c'est comme envoyer une lettre d'amour à l'univers."

MERCI FOR EVERYTHING, FOR EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF MY LIFE

 

Posté par anker à 21:40 - Commentaires [0] - Permalien [#]


14 novembre 2018

Hug

Healing by hugging oneself and giving oneself love and tenderness 

 

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12 novembre 2018

Energy

I've been feeling very tired since this morning.  Yesterday, we had a long walk with Seb, we walked for almost 12 kms. 

My body has been stretched, I feel like an elastic is no longer elastic.

Yet my mind is functioning properly, I guess because everything is functioning kind of properly now, that's normal tiredness from weariness of having worked, seen people as I'm used to living alone now and not necessarily talking a lot like I used to.  And also the fact of not letting go sometimes of things or my body controlling things and my brain lacking in some substances, giving me less energy.

I did many things today at work and I managed to do them properly, to understand everything, to manage everything alright;

Tonight, I went to the knitting workshop and continued knitting the sock, sometimes I don't understand everything straightaway but Marily is patient with me, I understand the theory but find it hard to put it into practice, especially  I need someone to watch me doing it to tell me whether I'm doing it properly for when the person does it alone sometimes I need several times to get it in my head, to understand.

It's always interesting to see how one works.

I realise I love doing things manually and I learn to be patient with myself for I don't understand as quickly as intellectual things or concepts and it's a real discovery and apprenticeship to learn things manually that are to be done with the mind and body as well, that need understanding as well as practical experiencing, not just talking and creating with the mind but also creating with the body, it feels so good to use the body and the mind, that's what I'd been missing and need to do more and more.

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07 novembre 2018

Fear and wisdom

Today, I had some anxieties at work, especially when Jocelyne asked me to help her, I feared I would fail her so to say and experienced some pressure, I put myself under pressure, I was happy for I was able to observe it and especially I felt like I was blushing and she would notice it and it would disturb her like it did me at the same time, but then I let it go, it sort of went away and I thought that was it, but I guess I was frightened to be at the front, on my own and being alone to work, bearing the burden or rather being responsible and being frightened to be criticised if ever I made a mistake or did something wrong as if I was going to be condemned for a single mistake whereas I do so many things so well.  

I'm quite happy though at the time it was kind of weird, and I felt a kind of derealisation from the world and from the other people, finding it hard not to feel better than everybody or on the contrary worse than everyone, basically a machiavellan and 2 ways of seeing thing whether right or wrong, whether black or white and forgetting the huge and vastness of the inbetween and the richness that there is in this world, the beauty of the world.

I love noticing that there is not one single answer or viewpoint and that it's not a matter of everything or nothing, saved or condemned, judgment but of being and living the here and now, and enjoying the here and now, feeling the here and now and observing it like something light and shiny and letting it go but remembering that each moment counts and is precious.

Accepting the letting go and the difference, variety and uniqueness of everything and everyone.

Posté par anker à 21:34 - Commentaires [0] - Permalien [#]

04 novembre 2018

Fruity life

Lâcher prise - Letting go, bliss and wholeness.

Very happy for I live, I accept and I let go, sometimes, I find it easier to explain how I feel sometimes, especially with the shrinks I see, I  understand and weigh how much I find it hard sometimes to trust myself, others and how much I feel bereft when I compare myself with what others have, I accept that I cannot control everything and that sometimes I have some negative patterns that are triggered by others, how much I can be influenced and impressed by what others say or how they behave.  I often compare myself and see how I've got less or how I am less ... than ... and of course it's not good for the self-esteem.

I easily feel frightened and rejected by what others have or how they behave. 

They are not less or better than but just different and I must try to inspire myself when I see good points in them, and accept their bad points or what I consider as not inspiring.

Observation, observation.

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Posté par anker à 22:13 - Commentaires [0] - Permalien [#]

01 novembre 2018

Richness

I kind of panick when I don't understand something or when I realise I have doubts and don't grasp things, trying to concentrate myself and to understand or to do the thing I have to do, I realise it in knitting for instance.  I also realise I understand some people better than others, previously I didn't use to listen to some people, just trying to find out who they were, what they thought and mainly how they felt, that I understand, that is something I fully grasp and understand, feelings, emotions, I have a deep understanding and compassion or so I feel for others or how they can feel and react.

But what is new to me or so it seems is getting to grasp new things, practical one, when it comes to knitting, the logic of it, the logic of some things, basically how things can be knit together and there is a logic to it, a kind of fil d'Ariane (Ariane's thread) than can be followed and traced back to the beginning from the end or the other way round.

I feel panicked when I'm faced with something I don't grasp or understand, and rather than letting it go, I sometimes force myself to grasp it, and it sort of panicks me even more for I'm not sure I understand properly, I feel someone must tell me that it's not a problem if I make a mistake.  It comes to that.  For I have doubts and I'm scared to dare, yet I do dare and that is the main thing I guess, for I dare change directions, I dare trust myself to dare even if I don't feel like it, I dare trust myself ask for help, something I never used to do for I felt so sure of everything.  I suddenly realise I'm opening myself to new things, to the outside world again, and it feels good yet it brings about all kinds of emotions, all kinds of new perspectives, I acquire a brandnew point of view on things, on people, realising I'm different and starting to assume it, to take charge of myself and to take responsibility for myself.  It feels good and so relieving, I'm acquiring my independence, standing on my own two feet like a great person, like anyone else, as capable as anyone else, with skills and doubts, values, uncertainties and that's what is fascinating, nothing is certain apart from scientific facts, everything can be interpreted differently according to every single being.  Each person perceives the world differently, it's like our DNA, we all possess a unique DNA, accordingly, we all possess our own viewpoint, we all stand on a different mountain, some mountains are closer than others, but we all have our unique mountain.  So fascinating and bewildering, therefore everything is possible, we just have to explore a different point of one's mountain.  A mountain is so rich, and I believe we can never stop finding some new treasure on our mountain.  One becomes richer and richer as each moment goes by.

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Posté par anker à 22:18 - Commentaires [0] - Permalien [#]