Seize the day

Dealing with suffering, the hardest thing to do, facing it, first of all and not denying it. Have been feeling a little bit scared for a few days, scared of going ahead, scared of not being for I am, but for taking the wrong path rather, but is there a right path and a wrong path?  No, there are just different paths actually, but I have to take one, which one, there are so many and I need to engage myself which I do, I'm already engaged by the way.  Sticking to one's engagement and taking decisions is sometimes a puzzle and I realise how worrisome it can be for me to take a decision and stick to it, rather the waiting makes me anxious, I need to tackle an inner anxiety, the fear to accept the unknown, to let go of what is uncontrollable, I can't control what happens, I mean what I don't control but I can change the way I see the things happening and the way I see the waiting period by enjoying that period and doing what I want to do with it, how I choose to live it, to be in it;

all these work appointments coming along scare me, for I'm scared I'm going to have to decide what I want to do, and I don't know and I don't know if I can say that: well at least I can say it to my psychotherapist, what I like is being shown what to do, then I do it, yet sometimes I am told what to do and I must do it, I fear doing it wrong, I guess it all goes back to self-confidence, the fear of being told it wasn't done properly or how the person expected it to be done.  There are so many ways to do one thing, it depends on who does it, being open to different ways of doing things but also accepting being shown how to do it one way without thinking the person doesn't like the way we do things but simply because they want to share their own way of doing things, that is to say their own experience like a way of describing one thing;

suddenly I recover a sound mind, just the fact of being her, living and being, without any worries,just here and now, tonight, je suis là body and mind, I've got a belly ache for I have my periods, all the fears are gone for they are not real just creations of the mind whereas in front of me, I can see the sky, the heavy clouds moving to the left clearing sometimes to let the light appear.  then, the table surrounded by 4 chairs with 2 cushions each on a chair, 

I am safe, will always be, the insecurity has passed, belongs to the past, it's gone.

Emotions when they arise have a full right to be, on the contrary, they are there to remind me that I live, that I feel, that I react to outside stimulus.  My inner peace is there, has always been, and is well anchored like a tree in the soil, on the ground;

What I will do, no need to muse over it for ages, what is here and now is I and what I door don't do matters for it is life, the harmony between my body and mind.... I am free, I am in peace, peace of mind, peace of body, love, love in the here and now, love in life, love in the world, in people, confidence in me, confidence in the world, confidence in life.  THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE AND NOW.  I REALISE IT NOW HOW PRECIOUS LIFE IS.

This morning I went food shopping.

Parenthesis: outside the rain is pouring wet, thunder is there too, the spectacle is wounderful from where I sit, the window looming onto showers of rain, lines of rain, and the wind making it more violent, noisier, the water beating the roofs , rebouncing on the roofs, the walls of the buildings wet now with the rain, some greyer or more beige.  The natural elements are speaking.

I've just seen the lghtning, it's a little bit scary, I may change my mind and get some curtains for the lightning so close is very impressive, is as if I were outside, I know the window protects me but not from the view and I may want the opportunity to choose whether I want to see the whole show or not;

For lunch, the wonderwomen friends from the Groupe passerelle came over for the book club, it was nice, full of emotions, on my part at least, some pleasant, others less, yet they were there and they went, I talked, listened, tried to let them go, some didn't straight away, others did, and the first finally went away; wonderful and I was there, enjoying, listening, caring, paying attention, observing all that was going on, my friends, wonderful people, people are so beautiful and so unique, and when one gets to know them, I get attached more and more, it always scares me but I relish that in a way for I see the emotions growing within me, love growing, love for the others taking place and also my love expounding, paying attention to little details, seeing how caring and loving people can be, how human people are, the expansion of human bounds, so powerful and endless,

I'm always thrilled and very moved by all that.

Malika speaks so well, I admire her a lot, she can speak so well, she's very bright, also she's a beautiful woman, she is very caring and very sensitive;

so is Annie, very dear, very caring, she enjoys life, she loves laughing and is a great friend, I love laughing with her, she's a good laugh, and she laughs at my jokes which is nice :-)  and she feels my insecurity sometimes so she reassures me when she can, we function the same way, I guess, I can feel her insecurity and her love and admiration for me as well as for Malika so I can sometimes feel anxious, jealous or envious of her admiration for Malika, on top of that, Malika called her my sunshine which made me jealous, I guess, I'd love to be called that way but would it suffice, this shower of love, that would scare me at the same time, yet it's always pleasant and so touching, but I'm sometimes scared not to be able to give back the love I'm shown as if love could be measured, love is simply love in different forms and ways that can be shown.  It's the meaning of live, I was going to say, the first I believe.