Richness

I kind of panick when I don't understand something or when I realise I have doubts and don't grasp things, trying to concentrate myself and to understand or to do the thing I have to do, I realise it in knitting for instance.  I also realise I understand some people better than others, previously I didn't use to listen to some people, just trying to find out who they were, what they thought and mainly how they felt, that I understand, that is something I fully grasp and understand, feelings, emotions, I have a deep understanding and compassion or so I feel for others or how they can feel and react.

But what is new to me or so it seems is getting to grasp new things, practical one, when it comes to knitting, the logic of it, the logic of some things, basically how things can be knit together and there is a logic to it, a kind of fil d'Ariane (Ariane's thread) than can be followed and traced back to the beginning from the end or the other way round.

I feel panicked when I'm faced with something I don't grasp or understand, and rather than letting it go, I sometimes force myself to grasp it, and it sort of panicks me even more for I'm not sure I understand properly, I feel someone must tell me that it's not a problem if I make a mistake.  It comes to that.  For I have doubts and I'm scared to dare, yet I do dare and that is the main thing I guess, for I dare change directions, I dare trust myself to dare even if I don't feel like it, I dare trust myself ask for help, something I never used to do for I felt so sure of everything.  I suddenly realise I'm opening myself to new things, to the outside world again, and it feels good yet it brings about all kinds of emotions, all kinds of new perspectives, I acquire a brandnew point of view on things, on people, realising I'm different and starting to assume it, to take charge of myself and to take responsibility for myself.  It feels good and so relieving, I'm acquiring my independence, standing on my own two feet like a great person, like anyone else, as capable as anyone else, with skills and doubts, values, uncertainties and that's what is fascinating, nothing is certain apart from scientific facts, everything can be interpreted differently according to every single being.  Each person perceives the world differently, it's like our DNA, we all possess a unique DNA, accordingly, we all possess our own viewpoint, we all stand on a different mountain, some mountains are closer than others, but we all have our unique mountain.  So fascinating and bewildering, therefore everything is possible, we just have to explore a different point of one's mountain.  A mountain is so rich, and I believe we can never stop finding some new treasure on our mountain.  One becomes richer and richer as each moment goes by.