Long time not written so to say, I wrote in my paper diary but not online which I am doing now.

Strange I feel like everything is new, starting again, my main pillar Long gone and with it some sadness or a lot of tiredness, as if I was feeling emptied of my other half, my soul mate as we say who used to bring me so much love I was clinging on to.

I went to see L's facebook profile this morning, just to check if he still existed, yes he does, it kind of reassured me that he was still alive as if his departure had been like a death.

We only lived 9 years together, some would say only but to me it seemed like a lifetime.  That's why I feel my life is starting all over again without him, alone and alive, strong, with a smile within me, a beautiful smile, I'm allowing myself to live again, to smile again with no regret, to live by myself, to do things by myself, to feel needs and wishes, I have to decide on my own and no longer with someone to talk to, to refer to as a crutch, I find it so good to trust myself and to follow my intuitions, so new, to talk to people but end up following what I want, what I need and not thinking too much but doing otherwise I feel empty and on the wrong track when I'm thinking too much.  Just go for it and do it.

Living, enjoying and also writing.  It feels like my brain has been reprogrammed, reconnected in a new way.

I know I'm doing well and I know that things change but worrying about how they'll change doesn't prevent them from changing.

Things are like they are, people are as they are and I am as I am.  No need to look behind all the time.

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