I arrived in Marseille this afternoon by train from Gare de Lyon in Paris. The sunshine welcame me and it was very enjoyable, I must say.
Doubts are coming back about what I should do, where I should go, how I should live, in a nut shell, become who I am, as Sartre would put it, existentialism. I feel good though, but kind of reborn, as if I were viewing the world in a brand new way, with so many windows opening on to the world. I feel like I'm at a crossroad having to choose which way to go and not taking a decision once and for all, although I had made up my mind last week but the more I think, the worse it gets for I have to take action and that means going forward and I haven't been used to doing that for a long time, I feel like I always had a partner to lean on to, who could protect me in case of... I don't know what but now I'm on my own, I'm my own decision maker, and it feels so new, I haven't had to take such a decision for such a long time, I know the different paths ahead, it feels like I live the present moment and don't know what will happen next, it feels so strange just not to think about the future and not really caring but just having to live and care about now and just do it. I'm doing it for myself and anyway I fully know that the decision I take, I have to act and go ahead instead of weighing the pros and cons all the time for it can go on like that forever and I just don't really go ahead for now I'm in a kind of inbetween, inbetween places, inbetween jobs, inbetween activities, not fully engaged and that's what I want to do fully engage, fully commit not forever though cos' things because I move, I'm not like that forever, I evolve, tout est impermanent.