Loving and believing

I feel good now and at peace although a bit worried about what I'm going to do with my life.  It's like I'm at a crossroad, overwhelmed by my work, not wanting to teach anymore but just needing peace, something easy to do, part time even, even if I don't earn much money as long as I can get by and just rest, and take care of myself.

Also the place I want to be, I don't know either, I want to be close to my parents but not too much either cos' I need to get by by myself, I trust myself, yet I feel lost right now, I have lost all my pillars, being on my own again, in a new flat, by myself is like relearning to live on my own, something I have never really done before.  I trust myself but suddenly feel scared when it comes to doing things, to working for instance, as far as being is concerned, I'm quite happy cos' I do it well, and when some stress is occuring, I manage and do my best, but teaching was becoming too difficult, especially preparing the lessons, assessing the students, standing in front of them as well, without solid stuff or being sure of myself, especially the 18 year old students.  I just didn't enjoy it that much teaching them stuff, exchanging yes, that was the best part, but teaching started to get boring, I just didn't know how to teach them stuff anymore, I felt like I didn't know enough theoretically or I lacked historical knowledge or background.  I needed to learn everything from scratch again about English history, literature, civilisation as well as American history, literature and civilisation and that was too much to do, too many things to do, I felt like my brain saturated.  All this knowledge and this amount of new information, new vocabulary.  Doing it for myself, that's one thing but then having to teach right afterwards, too difficult, no time to apprehend everything, to digest a minimum of everything.  So rich though, so interesting but then the amount you transmit and you miss in the transmission, all this preparatory work and for so little in the end, it felt like a waste of time and energy.  Well, I always did my best, of that I am sure. These past few weeks, I got so saturated that I couldn't open a single book in English or I just came to hating English.  I feel relieved cos' my passion seems to come back, I got scared to be honest, like I'd made an overdose, I'd overeaten and needed to vomit or to go on a diet forever I feared but now I feel better.

I feel lonely sometimes and it's hard to accept it.  I need to learn how to live properly and with pleasure again, do stuff for myself, instead of just surviving, doing activities, going out, feeling, exchanging about everything and nothing.  I've got great friends and family surrounding me, that I know and I'm so happy about and I'm a good person too, a great one even.  Does writing it makes me want to convince myself?  No, definitely no, I know it.  I'm a great person, I'm a good person and I'm going to do things and BE as I am.