Today, went to a meditation at lunch time on the topic: "Vivre heureux dans un monde impermanent".  Everything is impermanent, I've just written that and that moment is gone to be replaced by another one different, never to be the same and so is everything.  So what is real is the present moment as I live it, and live it to the full, to enjoy it, to relish it, to taste it and savour it.

Phoned Agnès this morning who supported me, when I told her I didn't feel that great at the moment, she was there and above all, listened to me, talked to me, exchanged with me, I felt so loved and heard and in link with her, unconditional love that's what it was, I finally discover unconditional love without any demand in return, just link, love and be loved.  Trust, love oneself and the other who give it back to you, so naturally and so warmly, kindheartedly and generously.   It feels so good.

Broke down with mum when I went to see her and dad.  I fell ill, I guess, the fact that I saw dad caused my being sick, I threw up in the middle of the night, with my belly aching so much, I felt I was nervously pregnant with a huge ball which needed to be vomited and it was vomited, I felt nackered on Wednesday, slept almost all day, broke down in tears, mum was there, I hadn't expected that to happen, but I just threw out all I had in my stomach, on my chest, I cried and cried, I am so aware of what I need.  

I felt so relieved afterwards.  I said it all.  Fear of living, fear of being judged, fear of the other's glance, fear of trusting myself and the others for fear of being hurt like I'd been hurt (by dad, Frank my brother, then by my rapist, then by Long leaving me or the belief of being rejected but just a belief cos' I know he didn't reject me, and I'm glad that he left to find himself and look for a balance that he didn't have and was looking for like everybody, we all aim to be in harmony with ourselves and the whole universe, to be at one with it.) lthough I can see most of the people I know are kind and don't want to suffer or to make others suffer, they're so human and kind.

Fear of communicating, of speaking about what I feel, fear of being whole and human, fear of letting go but so much in need of no longer clinging/ fixating/ being attached on to beliefs, people, ideas but just let the river flow and let everything go by, and just look at it but no longer fixation on things, on people, on obsessions, on ideas... When writing it, I feel so good, so clear in my mind, it's like being alleviated from a burden.

Finally living, feeling, experiencing and reconstructing myself, listening to my needs and trusting myself, my emotions, what makes me feel good, at ease, balanced and in harmony.

Meditation guides me reach harmony, balance and a real well-being, spending time with myself, concentrating and just looking at how my body and my mind work is so fascinating, just being and living at the present moment, no judgments, no mental disturbances or letting them go by and feeling in every piece of my body and my mind, all in one.   So fulfilling!

 

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